How To Recognize When You’re Making Assumptions That Contribute to Miscommunication
Merriam-Webster defines communication as “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior,” implying that all living beings must communicate in some form to interact with one another and survive. Verbal communication allows us to talk on the phone with family, laugh with friends, and participate in productive therapeutic discussions. Non-verbal communication is how we gauge someone's mood or pick up on the energy of others around us. Communication is essential when navigating our relationships with others and working together to complete tasks, however, as with all things in life, it is not perfect. Where communication is necessary, miscommunication is expected. While this can be incredibly frustrating, it can also help us remain calm when miscommunication does happen so that we can clarify and move forward.
A common cause of miscommunication stems from the assumptions that we make about the people that we talk to. Assumptions can come from the perspective of the speaker or the listener, and both contribute to misunderstandings. Here are some common assumptions we all make when communicating with others:
Assuming the other person is in a space where they can actively receive your message
Start by asking when the other person is free to address the specific topic you want to discuss. This can help ensure that you both can give your full attention to communicating. For example: Hey, can we pick back up on our conversation last night, or is there a better time? or, I’ve been meaning to speak to you about the project we’re working on, can you let me know when you’re available to do this?
2. Assuming the other person knows the context of the conversation
Provide your reason for communicating about something. Examples are: I was looking over next week's schedule and I have some questions, or, I want to talk more about our conversation last night.
3. Assuming the other person knows your experience or feelings
It is important to be specific when communicating with others by making clear and honest statements. Examples are: It hurt my feelings when… or I am confused about….
4. Assuming you know the experiences or feelings of others
When someone else is trying to communicate with you, utilize active listening skills. Pay attention to the words they are using and ask clarifying questions. It is easy to draw conclusions about another person’s experience based on your own. To double-check that you have not made an assumption, summarize what the other person shared with you and check in with them to make sure your interpretation is accurate.
If you realize that you have been making some of these assumptions in your conversations with others, or want to develop your active listening skills, you are not alone! As a counselor for couples and individuals, I hear people make assumptions during communication all the time, and I experience them in my personal life as well. Learning about the above-mentioned assumptions and how they can lead to miscommunication is a great way to start recognizing them when they happen, which creates an opportunity for us to change our behavior in the future. With all behavior change, it is important to acknowledge that change is difficult and does not come in an instant. Practice makes progress and granting yourself the room to be imperfect creates a safe environment for growth. If you find yourself looking to develop your communication skills even further, here is a list of additional resources:
Seek the assistance of a therapist
See my online course on Fostering Close Relationships
Read this blog post from the Gottman Institute about conflict management
About Taylor: Taylor works with couples and individuals to tackle communication challenges and emphasize positive changes as defined by their goals. She has also completed training levels 1 and 2 in Gottman Method Couples Counseling. She has worked with individuals of all ages but specializes in individual clients aged 16 and up and adult couples. She also supports those experiencing anxiety, depression, and trauma.