Motherhood & Self-care: But Who Takes Care of the Moms?

As moms, we take on a thousand roles beyond caregivers. We’re nurses, teachers, counselors, coaches, schedulers, financial planners, housekeepers, administrators, researchers, disciplinarians, chauffeurs, and on and on. But who takes care of the moms? Just like many of our other roles, while we may have some support, it often lands on us to meet our own needs. Yet with so much on our plate, self-care is easy to ignore. But as the cliche goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so it’s important to find ways to make it a priority. 

First, what is self-care? At its core, self-care is engaging in behaviors that nourish you. This can include nurturing yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and in your environments at home and work. While the habits may be as simple as getting enough water or spending ten minutes to yourself, even these can be challenging for moms with everything we have going on. There are ways, however, to make some small shifts in your thinking and habits that can have a big impact.

Take a (Mental) Load Off

The mental load of parenthood is something that is more and more widely talked about, yet still primarily lands on mothers. While physical tasks like dishes, cleaning, and cooking are increasingly shared between heterosexual partners, the invisible “behind-the-scenes” work, or the mental load, is not. As is explained in this article, this includes “things like anticipating needs (making sure the jerseys are clean in time for the kids’ soccer game), planning (keeping track of the family calendar), decision making (choosing a car seat) and delegating (hashing out who’s going to take the kid to the weekend play date).” It also entails all of the research moms do around parenting itself.

Because our mental loads are invisible, it’s easy for our partners to not realize everything we’re doing. Taking time to share your list of to-dos and having them take responsibility for a chunk is one way to implement stress relief for yourself. When discussing who will take on what, also be mindful of the logistics. For example, rather than being solely responsible for keeping a shopping list for your next Target run, log your partner into a shared account on the app and have them add items as well. That way whoever is doing the physical task of shopping doesn’t depend on mom’s mental responsibility of knowing what’s needed. 

Carve out Time and Space for Yourself

Sometimes when we think of self-care our minds go to luxurious spa days filled with massages, face masks, and pedicures. While those are wonderful and encouraged, they’re not always feasible because of the time or financial commitment. Instead, shift your mindset to look for 10-15 minutes (or more, if possible) on a regular basis where you can spend time by yourself or partake in something you enjoy. This could look like getting up a little earlier to do yoga, limiting your time spent on end-of-day housekeeping so that you have time left over to read or enjoy a show, or making it a family-wide practice that everyone spends time to themselves in the evening to do something they love. Even 10 minutes on a daily basis will make a difference, especially when paired with longer periods here and there. Talk to your partner to make a plan for occasional date nights, happy hour, or brunches with your friends, and those sacred massage/facial/pedicure appointments.

Connect with Other Moms

I have wonderful friends and family who love and accept me, but when my oldest was born I found myself in this twilight zone that felt incredibly isolating. I could barely recognize myself, so it was difficult to connect with others who didn’t easily understand this new phase of my life. My saving grace was other moms who implicitly got it - the sleep deprivation, the worry, the vulnerability that comes with experiencing such incredible joy, and the sheer weight of it all.

Connecting with other moms in a judgment-free, humor-filled, unconditionally accepting way is one of the most nourishing things you can offer yourself. If you don’t already have your own “mom squad” (as mine lovingly calls itself), think about previous friends who have also become moms, connect with other parents at your children’s school or activities, or look for community parent groups. Even following other moms on social media who line up with your values or provide education can be helpful. 

Watch Your Self-Talk

One of my favorite questions to ask clients (particularly women and moms) is: “Is that how you would talk to your best friend?” 99% of the time the answer is “absolutely not!” We tend to be much harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else we love. So check yourself - be mindful of the way you talk to and about yourself, and practice a little self-compassion. Remember that we are all imperfect humans and are often doing the best we can. So next time you catch yourself saying “you should know better” or “I didn’t do enough today,” try switching it to an “ing” statement instead: “I’m working on being more patient,” “I’m learning how to be kinder to myself,” or “I’m practicing this new parenting strategy and it takes time.”

Ask for Help (or Accept the Help Being Offered)

Even if all else fails, give yourself permission to ask for help. Mother-in-law offers to watch the kids so you can go on a date? Yes!

Hubby suggests getting take-out because he notices you’re too tired to cook? Yes!

Have room in your budget to hire a house cleaner? Heck yes!

Sometimes it means relinquishing control or reframing what it means to be a “good mom,” but keep in mind that by lowering our stress we are able to be more regulated, present parents (and people).

If you’ve been reading this and feeling like none of it seems like enough, and you’ve been feeling anxious, overwhelmed, resentful, and irritable, you may be experiencing burnout. Check out this article for other common signs of burnout as a parent, and reach out for help! Therapists like myself are passionate about working with moms to help them reduce stress, manage anxiety and depression, and reconnect with their authentic selves. Above all, know that motherhood is as challenging as it is rewarding and that you are not alone!

About Mariana: Mariana is a Licensed Associate Counselor who loves working with kids, teens, and women, particularly those navigating the challenges of motherhood. She is a mom herself, raising two intelligent, hilarious, stubborn girls. Her favorite forms of self-care include reading, hiking, watching movies with her daughters, date night with her hubby, connecting with friends, going to therapy, and the occasional pedicure.