The Hidden Power of Staying Calm: Lessons from a Stressful Vet Visit
The other day, I was taking my dog Princess to the vet. This is typically a very stressful event for the both of us. Because of this, we take some very intentional steps to be better prepared. I typically like to play with her for a bit to get some energy out, we listen to calming music as we drive to the vet, I do a quick check-in with her, and finally and perhaps most importantly, I use one of my mindfulness tools to make sure I am self-regulating. Why is it important that I self-regulate for an event that is mostly stressful for my dog? The answer lies in a very powerful concept commonly called co-regulation. Co-regulation is the practice of using another being’s ability to manage their emotions, to help you manage your own emotional state. It is like falling into sync with someone else. If they are calm and collected, you tend to feel calmer and more collected. That is the beauty of co-regulation.
Let’s start from the reverse perspective of co-regulation. Do you know the feeling you get when you interact with your dog? That wonderful sense of warmth, playfulness, love, and unconditional acceptance? These feelings are, in some ways, a part of co-regulation. In these moments of interaction with our dogs, we are using their regulated state to help us manage our emotional state. When you come home from a hard day and are tense with anxiety, you can literally feel that melt away when you interact with your dog, thanks to co-regulation.
Since Princess is specifically trained to help me manage my emotions, I feel it is just as important that I step up for her when she needs to use my regulated state to help her manage her anxiety. How I accomplish this is through the process of self-regulation. Self-regulation can be thought of as a process in which we seek to manage our emotional states, or more simply, how we try to control our feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. Self-regulation is not something we as humans are very good at. It takes work, intention, and the utilization of mindfulness tools.
If you can self-regulate, it sends out signals to people and dogs that you are a safe and secure space. People and dogs can then let their guard down a bit and get a sense that you are “easy to be around.” For most mammals, this happens automatically through a complex interaction of nervous systems that comprise the brain, spinal cord and an intricate network of nerves. This complex interaction can be summarized by the process known as, “mirror neuron engagement” between two beings. So, while we are sitting in the vet’s office, I am being mindful and intentionally working to self-regulate, Princess gets to physically lean her weight into me and use my managed state to help manage her own state.
This co-regulation event with Princess got me asking myself if I make that same effort when I need to support my partner or my family in times of need. Do I work to be self-regulated when someone I care about has experienced a loss? Whether that be a death, change in career, or changes in relationship status? Do we prepare ourselves to be self-regulated for our partner after a stressful day at work, or when it is time to help the kiddos with homework? I think most of us would happily sign up to learn about self-regulation if we knew how it helped our dogs manage their internal state, as well as how it strengthens our human-canine bond. Should we not then take similar steps to be present for our loved ones?
Why does self-regulation matter in relationships?
In my chosen profession, I often answer the question of, “How can I be there for my loved one?” with something simple like, “Just hold space for them.” What does holding space look like? One answer is being self-regulated in the presence of that loved one so that they can use you to co-regulate. Being self-regulated will then signal to their body that you are a safe, secure, and comforting person to be around. If you can successfully co-regulate, you can start to give the gift that our dogs give us, by creating a space where our loved ones feel our warmth, love, and unconditional acceptance. Imagine being able to provide that gift to a loved one amid their grief or sadness.
When we choose to practice self-regulation, we will notice how others perceive being around us. You might start to hear things like, “You are so easy to be around,” or “You are so easy to talk to.” With regular practice, we can turn our self-regulation into co-regulating with our family to accomplish daily tasks. Most parents are familiar with the idea of co-regulation with their newborns because newborn babies cannot self-regulate. Newborns rely on their parents to help manage their emotional state. However, at some point in a child’s life, a parent may forget the impact they have on their child’s emotional state, and their ability to co-regulate with their children. Think of trying to communicate and use reason with your teenager, while they are experiencing a highly distressed emotional state, and how it seems, perhaps, that they are not listening. First, it’s nearly impossible to have the ability to reason in a heightened emotional state due to how being emotionally charged hijacks our ability for higher functioning. So instead, trying to co-regulate with your teen, through something as simple as mimicked breathing, can deescalate the situation, and bring their higher reasoning back online.
How can I self-regulate under stress?
In another example, let’s say it is 10 minutes before homework time. Whether we are aware of it or not, our kiddos and our internal systems are already ramping up in anticipation of this stressful event. This ramping up can happen without any thought or action. Many tools suggested to help with homework time are directed at what the kiddo can do, or what you can do to support them. However, these interventions run into the same roadblock as the above scenario; being in a dysregulated state limits our ability to effectively use these tools. However, we can reverse this ramping up process and improve the efficacy of suggested tools by intentionally taking a few moments to practice mindfulness, and approach homework time in a self-regulated state.
With the Holiday season approaching and the potential for political feelings to be high, utilizing self-regulation can serve not only to help you manage your emotional state, but also to help insulate you from the heightened emotions of others. Trying to use your self-regulation to attempt to help a large group co-regulate may prove to be too difficult, so do not hesitate to limit who you try to co-regulate with. Stick to one-on-one co-regulation with someone you feel comfortable around. Use your mindfulness tools to keep you grounded, and as my girlfriend shared with me, check in with yourself to protect your inner peace; if something is costing you your inner peace, it is likely too expensive and not worth it.
Next time you come home from a demanding day, interact with your dog, and feel the day’s stress melting away, remind yourself that you can provide the very same feeling of relief for the people in your life. I owe so much to Princess and her ability to let me co-regulate with her. It allows me to have a profession I am passionate about and to be present for my partner and family.
Further Reading:
https://www.justinlmft.com/post/pets-co-regulation
https://www.focusbear.io/blog-post/harnessing-co-regulation-strategies-for-adhd-management
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/polyvagal-perspectives/202303/four-reasons-why-interacting-with-a-dog-makes-you-feel-good
**Written by Harry Joiser, LPC
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