Setting Boundaries with Family During the Holiday Season: Protecting Your Peace

As a therapist—and someone who has personally struggled with navigating family dynamics during the holidays—I want to take you through some steps that you might find beneficial during this joyous, yet stressful, time of year. For years, I thought I had to say “yes” to everything, show up to every event, and put others’ needs ahead of my own, all in the name of keeping the peace. But the truth is, without boundaries, I wasn’t keeping the peace—I was sacrificing my own.

Over time, I’ve learned that boundaries are not about shutting people out or being selfish. They’re about creating a space where we can love others and ourselves at the same time. This is not always easy, especially with family, but it’s necessary for a healthy and joyful holiday season. Let me share what I’ve learned about setting boundaries and protecting your peace.

1. Boundaries Are a Form of Love

I used to worry that setting boundaries would make me seem cold or ungrateful. But here’s what I’ve discovered: boundaries are not barriers; they’re bridges to healthier relationships. By setting boundaries, you create space for mutual respect and understanding. Think of boundaries as the space between you and someone else that allows you to love both them and yourself simultaneously. When we ignore our needs or push ourselves to the brink, we risk building resentment or engaging in conflict. Boundaries prevent that by fostering respect and clarity.

For example:

- Saying “no” to a family event that feels emotionally unsafe doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you value your mental health enough to step away.

- Limiting the time you spend with certain relatives ensures that the moments you do share are positive and meaningful.

Boundaries are a way of saying, “I value this relationship enough to protect it by being honest about what I need.”

2. Acknowledge Your Needs and Limitations

One thing that has helped me is spending some time reflecting on what I really need during the holidays and what feels manageable and fulfilling. For years, I didn’t realize I was running on autopilot, saying “yes” to everything because it was expected. Now, I ask myself:

- What feels manageable for me this year?

- Is this going to be overwhelming? Perhaps smaller get-togethers work better.

- Are certain traditions too emotionally or financially taxing? Decide which ones you’d like to keep and which to let go.

- Which traditions actually bring me joy, and which feel like an obligation?

- Do I need time to recharge after gatherings?
Recognizing your limitations helps you prioritize your well-being and communicate your needs effectively.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Say “No”

This was a tough one for me. I grew up believing that saying “no” was rude or selfish. But here’s the truth: saying “no” is not about rejecting others—it’s about honoring your own capacity. If something feels overwhelming, it’s okay to decline, especially if it does not serve your mental health.

For example:

- If you know a family event will leave you emotionally drained, you’re allowed to skip it.  

- If hosting feels overwhelming, consider delegating or passing the responsibility to someone else.

When declining, you can be firm yet kind. For instance:

- “Thank you for inviting me, but I’ve decided to keep my schedule lighter this year.”

- “I won’t be able to join, but I hope everyone has a great time.”

It may feel uncomfortable at first, but I’ve found that saying “no” allows me to say “yes” to the things that truly matter—peace, rest, and connection.

4. Protect Your Peace

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that your peace is precious. Protecting it means being intentional about where you spend your time and energy in order to prevent unnecessary tension and burnout. For me, this looks like:

- Leaving a gathering early if I feel overwhelmed or emotionally drained. 

- Choosing smaller, more intimate celebrations with people I trust such as friends or chosen family. 

- Communicating in advance what I’m comfortable with, such as avoiding divisive topics or conversations that don’t feel safe.

Your peace isn’t something to apologize for; it’s something to prioritize. When I focus on protecting my peace, I’m able to enjoy the holidays without resentment or exhaustion and can approach the holidays with calm and presence. 

5. Expect Pushback and Stay Consistent 

Here’s the hard part: not everyone will understand your boundaries. When I first started setting them, I got a lot of pushback—people questioned my decisions, and some even tried to guilt me into changing my mind. I’ve learned that this reaction isn’t about me; it’s about their discomfort with change. Change can be difficult, especially when it disrupts longstanding family dynamics or traditions. It’s natural for loved ones to resist or question your boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. 

What helped me stay consistent was reminding myself why I was setting the boundary in the first place. Over time, family members adjusted, and many even came to respect the clarity and calm that boundaries bring to our interactions.

6. Communicate Boundaries Clearly and Kindly

A common struggle with setting boundaries is *how* to communicate boundaries in a way that feels authentic and kind. I often worried about how others would react and whether they’d see my boundaries as rejection. What I’ve learned over time is that clarity and kindness can make all the difference.

When setting boundaries, clarity and kindness go hand in hand. Use “I” statements to express your needs without assigning blame. It’s not about pointing fingers or making others feel bad—it’s about being honest about what I need to show up as my best self. For example:

- “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed, so I’m going to need to recharge this holiday season and skip some events.”

- “I’d love to see everyone, but I can only stay for a couple of hours before I need to head home.”

I try to keep my tone warm and understanding, which helps people see that my boundaries aren’t about pushing them away—they’re about protecting my own well-being so I can be more present when we are together. It’s not always easy, but framing my boundaries this way has helped me maintain healthy relationships while honoring my own needs. 

It’s important to remember that your boundaries don’t need to come with a long explanation or justification. A simple, kind statement is enough. You’re not asking for permission—you’re sharing what works best for you.

7. Practice Self-Compassion and Prioritize Self-Care

This is a big one. I used to think self-care was optional—something I’d get around to if there was time. But I’ve come to see that self-care is the foundation of showing up as the best version of myself, especially during the holidays.  

Self-care isn’t always about indulgent or enjoyable activities like spa days or cozy nights in (though I do love these) —it’s also about doing the things we *need* to do, even when they’re challenging or uncomfortable. These acts of care, such as prioritizing rest, setting realistic schedules, or addressing emotional needs, are the foundation for showing up as a stable, healthy version of yourself.

For example:

- Getting enough sleep before attending a family event helps regulate your emotions so you can respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

- Saying “no” to overcommitting allows you to focus on what truly matters, rather than spreading yourself too thin.

- Practicing mindfulness, journaling, or taking a walk before gatherings can ground you emotionally and reduce stress.

When we enter holiday situations in a dysregulated state—exhausted, stressed, or emotionally depleted—we’re more likely to act out of frustration or overwhelm rather than love and patience. By prioritizing self-care, you create the stability and regulation needed to engage with others in a way that reflects your best self.

Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these changes. Setting boundaries is hard, and it’s okay to feel conflicted. Remind yourself that you’re learning a new skill and that it’s okay to take baby steps. Acknowledge the courage it takes to advocate for your well-being and celebrate the steps you’re taking to honor your needs. Self-compassion is not just a way to comfort yourself—it’s a commitment to showing up in the healthiest, most authentic way possible. This is a gift not only to yourself but also to everyone you interact with during the holidays.

8. Reframe Guilt as Growth

If you’re like me, you might feel guilt when you start setting boundaries. That guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing. I’ve learned to reframe guilt as a sign that I’m stepping into healthier patterns.

Remind yourself:

- Prioritizing your well-being is not selfish; it’s necessary.

- Guilt is a temporary emotion that fades as you adjust to living in alignment with your needs.

- Healthy boundaries create space for authentic relationships built on respect and understanding.

9. Embrace the Freedom Boundaries Provide

When you honor your boundaries, you give yourself the gift of freedom—freedom to enjoy the parts of the holidays that truly matter to you. This might mean choosing rest over obligation, quality over quantity, or connection over conflict. Boundaries help you create a holiday season that feels meaningful, not just manageable.

Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are a Gift

Setting boundaries during the holidays is one of the hardest—and most rewarding—things I’ve ever done. It is not just about saying “no”—it’s about saying “yes” to your peace, your mental health, and the relationships that matter most. It’s about loving others and yourself at the same time. And yes, it’s about protecting your peace, even when it feels uncomfortable.

If you’re just starting this journey, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel conflicted or nervous. But I promise you: setting boundaries is worth it. Pushback may come, but remember: you’re not wrong for protecting your well-being. Stay consistent, be kind to yourself, and embrace the clarity and calm that boundaries bring. And that is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your loved ones this holiday season.

Written by Soul Space Therapist, Madison Koza.

Read her bio HERE